When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
