I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
