the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
