Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
