I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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