He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
