Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
