Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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