you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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