i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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