Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
