She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
