apparently the secret to your success is patron
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
