The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
