Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
