i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
