On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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