hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
