Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
