you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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