lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
