How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Send help, water and tortillas.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
