Don't make out with my wife yet
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
