franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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