I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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