please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
