they need to just BURY HIM!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
