let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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