I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
