And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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