We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
