$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Do vagina's smell?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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