Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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