Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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