the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
