I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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