you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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