She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
