At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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