I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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