My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
His nipple licking is glorious
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