We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
