If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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