SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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