I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
