I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I didn't notice because vodka
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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