my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
