My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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