how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
