Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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