and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
