I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
