You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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